tattoo all I see

I figured it out. Last week, I had several stressful, angry dreams involving my mother. The anger was starting to spill over from my subconscious to my conscious life, and affect my mood. I was not happy.

On Thursday, while I was driving to Lakeland with Marsha, my mother-in-law, and Kai to watch Isaac's basketball tournament, we talked about my anger. Marsha suggested that perhaps my anger existed in the space between my expectations of how my mother should act and how she was acting, which was hiding in plain sight to me. But that involves the elusive concept of "should" into the relationship, the idea that I know what is "right."

The concept of "should" is interesting and ironic. "Should" exists in a world of right and wrong, an imaginary world where I know what is right, and perhaps you do not, so I feel the need to tell you what to do, and if you don't do it, I will be personally offended. This sounds a lot like why my mother does not like my wife. Because of "should."

Marsha helped re-presence me with reality. Things are well. Kai is doing great and rapidly closing in on the one-year mark. Isaac is doing great with his basketball career. Erin loves me and our relationship is amazing. The most important parts of life are firing on all cylinders. It's amazing how easy it is to let the little things cloud our view. To paraphrase Pearl Jam's amazing song "Black" - "all the love gone bad, turned my world to black, tattooed all that I see, all that I am, all that I'll be." It was hard to see the beauty of my life through the haze. Thanks to Marsha for helping me clear my head.