respect
My mother does not like my wife. She never has.
That is the conclusion I have come to after all this time. It seems that no matter what Erin does, somehow she unknowingly disrespects my mother. My mother would have Erin address her in a formal manner (ie. Mrs. Smith) from now on, just so she gets her so-called respect...
On the other hand, Erin and I look at our family as a safe space, a place where we can be comfortable and relaxed, all the while knowing that we all love each other and that we are looking out for one another. A team. A unit. Something more than the sum of its parts.
My mother wants Erin to apologize for what she considers to be rude behavior. Specifically, saying "hey" instead of "hi" or "hello." I say, even if Erin apologizes for that, what's next? This isn't the first time we've had to apologize for something innocent that was misinterpreted by my mother. She'll just find something else to complain about, a few weeks or months down the line.
As a result of this latest flap, my mother hasn't seen Kai in nearly three months. She's missed his first word, his crawling, pulling to a stand, feeding himself with his own hands. She's missed these magical moments over a single word. But it's not really the word, it's the underlying issue that she does not like Erin. It's so obvious to me now.
Well, I say that if it was anyone else in the world that was treating us like this, I'd never speak to them again and would completely shut them out of my life. So why am I supposed to allow her to treat us like this? Because she's my mom? Because she loves me? Someone who truly loved me would never do this.
I told my mother that I want her and my dad to be part of my family and of Kai's life, but they have to accept us exactly how we are, and exactly how we are not. Unconditionally. Am I being unreasonable? Maybe, but this is my family and if I allow her to push us around now, she's going to push for even more later.
Your thoughts?
That is the conclusion I have come to after all this time. It seems that no matter what Erin does, somehow she unknowingly disrespects my mother. My mother would have Erin address her in a formal manner (ie. Mrs. Smith) from now on, just so she gets her so-called respect...
On the other hand, Erin and I look at our family as a safe space, a place where we can be comfortable and relaxed, all the while knowing that we all love each other and that we are looking out for one another. A team. A unit. Something more than the sum of its parts.
My mother wants Erin to apologize for what she considers to be rude behavior. Specifically, saying "hey" instead of "hi" or "hello." I say, even if Erin apologizes for that, what's next? This isn't the first time we've had to apologize for something innocent that was misinterpreted by my mother. She'll just find something else to complain about, a few weeks or months down the line.
As a result of this latest flap, my mother hasn't seen Kai in nearly three months. She's missed his first word, his crawling, pulling to a stand, feeding himself with his own hands. She's missed these magical moments over a single word. But it's not really the word, it's the underlying issue that she does not like Erin. It's so obvious to me now.
Well, I say that if it was anyone else in the world that was treating us like this, I'd never speak to them again and would completely shut them out of my life. So why am I supposed to allow her to treat us like this? Because she's my mom? Because she loves me? Someone who truly loved me would never do this.
I told my mother that I want her and my dad to be part of my family and of Kai's life, but they have to accept us exactly how we are, and exactly how we are not. Unconditionally. Am I being unreasonable? Maybe, but this is my family and if I allow her to push us around now, she's going to push for even more later.
Your thoughts?
posted by wine daddy at
12:42 AM
2 Comments:
Jade, I have enjoyed reading you’re posting about your family and seeing the pictures of Kai growing up. I just quietly read them feeling no need to expand on them, they are written so nicely with no need for my opinion. Through all these postings I can not see where one can ever doubt the love you have for your family. However, when I just recently read your post on “respect”, it really hit home to me. I wanted to let you know that neither Erin nor you are alone in a situation like the one you wrote about. I was in Erin’s situation a while back; my mother in law did not like me either. However, it sounds like Erin has one great thing going for her in this very uncomfortable situation; she has you acknowledging the fact that your mother does not like her and you supporting your family (meaning Erin). This is only my opinion; I feel everyone should have respect for one another, which means Erin to your parents and your parents to your family. With the understanding this is a very sticky situation and I am sure you feel like you a caught in the middle, as long as you and and Erin are respectful to your parents, in the limits of what your definition of respect is, you shouldn’t have anything to feel guilty about. Your parents are grown adults, and hopefully they will come around and learn to respect your family. But if they don’t and you stick to being the “bigger person”, inviting them to family occasions sending them pictures of Kai or what ever it is, for example. It will be their own decision not to be apart of your life, not yours or Erin’s. What’s that saying, “We don’t have to like one another but can we at least all get a long”? I wish your whole family the best of luck with this. I would hate for anyone to miss Kai growing up because of the word “hey” or what ever it might be later down the road, nothing is worth that.
Im quite sad to read this post, I had no idea you and Erin were dealing with an issue such as this, and Im sorry. Erin is indeed a very lucky woman, to have such a wonderful husband who holds such PURE love for her in his heart! I know that means the world to her.
I applaud her strength as a woman, all that she has accomplished and all the while, being an unconditionaly devoted mother to Issac and Kai, and loving wife to you. As for your mothers opinions, well unfortunatley she is building a wall that is making it nearly impossible for her to truly see beyond her prejudices..and to witness Erin as the amazing and beautiful woman she is. I can only hope that in time, these walls will stop building...and start crumbling. I pray she can release any selfish ego, and is able to reckognize and acknowledge her own wrong doing in this situation. I hope that she can one day SEE what has been starring her in the face all the while...a beautiful, VIBRANT, and genuine daughter in law, of whom she should be over-joyed and proud to call her own.
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