what I've learned...

... dad, bartender

— Thanking me profusely for a job done well does not put money in my pocket or food in Kai's mouth.
— The proper answer to "Hi, how are you?" is not "Scotch and water" or any other drink.
— If that's your answer, I am entitled to respond, "I'm excellent, thanks for asking."
— Yes, I'm a smartass.
— When you go to a bar, understand this: the glass you get your drink in probably holds at least eight ounces. The standard pour of any liquor at most bars is 1.25 ounces. Do not expect me to fill your glass to the rim, and if I do, you will be charged for it.
— Why? The extra tip you may give me tonight will not compensate me for the income I lose when I get fired for liquor costs going out of control.

More snarky bar intelligence to come...